One moment you can feel like a suave Casanova while talking to a girl via text and the next like a bumbling uncomfortable dweeb speaking to her in person. But just because you might be more confident behind a screen doesn’t mean you should have your whole relationship through instant message. Emoticons are not legitimate substitutes for interacting face-to-face. If you want your relationships to work, you’ve got to learn how to function IRL (in real life).

Don’t let yourself be intimidated by not knowing exactly what to say. Sure, when you’re writing things out you have more time to carefully craft your words. And the pressure to seem attractive by being funny or insightful can feel greater when you’re in person. But in actuality, it doesn’t matter much if you mess up and say something stupid. It’s not the end of the world if you didn’t bring your comedic A-material and aren’t making her laugh every instant. And not every conversation we have with someone we find desirable is life changing. What matters most is that being in their presence feels different; it feels special.

If speaking up makes you nervous, you do have the option of getting her to do more of the talking. If she’s someone you find interesting don’t you want to know more? Ask the right questions (about what motivates her, what makes her tick, or what she thinks about most often) and she’ll enjoy that you’re so intrigued by her. You can’t use this technique as a total crutch, however. You still have to say something and you can’t ask any questions you wouldn’t be willing to answer yourself.

On the same note, what good is her talking if you’re a terrible listener? Make sure you’re attentive when she’s speaking. Holding steady eye contact is crucial. Nod to let her know you’re listening. Repeat some of her points in your own words to show that you understand. These are all simple things we don’t have to do via text. But forgetting them in person can make you seem slow.

Keep yourself from falling into bad communication habits. If you two wind up never seeing each other in person (without good reason like being long distance), is this relationship something you really want? Be sure to set aside time for each other if your heart is in this. Texts, calls, and chats are all icing on the cake, but being there face-to-face is how you show her she means something to you.

Funding for this project was provided by the United States Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Grant Number: 90-FE-0024. Any opinions, findings, and conclusions or recommendations expressed in this material are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the United States Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families.