In high school we have teachers to help us through tough subjects, we have coaches to guide us to victory, and a lucky few of us have older brothers who are there to give us advice as we try to figure out girls, dating, and relationships. But I didn’t have an older brother and many of you might not either. In a previous post, Maritza noted that there was tons of information she never got from her older sister that might have prevented some stupid romantic mistakes. And now it’s my turn to imagine which words of wisdom would have been most helpful from an older brother. 

1. The whole nice guy / bad boy thing is a myth. It’s not the bad that girls find so irresistible; it’s the confidence that these guys emit. Shy, timid, and people-pleasing all get conflated with “nice.” The guys with these characteristics get frustrated with the fact that these features aren’t always the most attractive. You can still be respectful, polite, and successful with girls, you just have to do it with some guts.
2. Sometimes hormones get the better of us. All of us—guys and girls alike. Being a teenager means there is a cocktail of natural chemical messengers swirling through your body almost all the time. Your adoring girlfriend could suddenly turn wicked. Your own emotions might feel unexpectedly intense like things are out of your control, and to some extent they are. No matter what you are still responsible for your actions and so is everybody else—no amount of testosterone or estrogen can change that.
3. If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. This one sounds like something a mom would say and not an older brother, but it bears repeating. Speaking negatively about someone, especially a girl, will only lead to negative results. Your words will make it back to her, she will be hurt, and you will take flack for it. This is high school, not the Pentagon, and none of your comments will stay “top secret,” even if they were supposed to.
4. You have to tell her how you feel. Use your words to tell her how much you appreciate her. Do the same to raise concerns when you have them. Just because she likes you doesn’t mean she can read your mind. She needs to hear out loud what you’re thinking to make your relationship work.

And now again it’s your turn. What do you wish your older brother or sister had told you? If you’re the oldest, what wisdom do you hope to pass along to your younger siblings?

Funding for this project was provided by the United States Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families, Grant Number: 90-FE-0024. Any opinions, findings, and conclusions or recommendations expressed in this material are those of the author(s) and do not necessarily reflect the views of the United States Department of Health and Human Services, Administration for Children and Families.