An unhealthy relationship may be harder to recognize than you might think. It’s not always as clear-cut as being with someone who hits you on a regular basis. If you want to make sure that you’re in a good relationship, these are the three things you need to know:

1. Abusive bf/gf’s aren’t jerks all of the time.  Probably the biggest misconception about abusive relationships is that they’re bad all of the time. That’s just not the case. If they were, they would be a lot easier to get out of because the overwhelming feeling about your relationship would be, “this sucks.” But in reality, an unhealthy relationship may only be unhealthy 5-10% of the time. At other times it might feel perfect.
   Abuse happens in cycles.  You may have a month or two where things feel amazing and you are completely in love. But then that period of perfection is followed by a blow up fight or your partner acting in a way that is incredibly hurtful and completely unacceptable. Then, your bf/gf will likely apologize profusely, be incredibly romantic, tell you how much they love and need you, and swear on their life that they will never treat you badly again. And then, the cycle will start over.
2. It can happen to anyone.  Obviously, no one goes into a relationship expecting it to turn abusive. And no one stays in one expecting things will not get better. This means that even if you have high self-esteem, are totally confident, have no trouble meeting or attracting the opposite sex, and don’t let people push you around…you can still end up in an unhealthy relationship. Because anyone can fall in love with someone who later becomes abusive.
   Stereotypically we think of an abusive relationship as being one where a guy is abusing a girl. But a girl can just as easily abuse a guy. And abuse can happen in homosexual relationships as well as hetero ones: a guy can abuse another guy, and a girl can abuse another girl.
3. Abuse is more than physical.  Yes, on the whole a guy might be physically stronger than a girl.  But part of the reason that anyone can be abusive is that abuse goes much deeper than just the physical.  If someone hits you, that’s clearly not okay.  But you know what, it’s also not okay for someone to try to scare you by throwing something in your general direction.  It’s not okay for someone to threaten to hurt you or try to intimidate you.  It’s not okay for someone to humiliate you, belittle you, or try to make you feel badly about yourself.  All of those behaviors, while perhaps not as obvious as being physically struck, count as abuse.  And they are all things that a girl can just as easily do to a guy.

The first step to getting out of an unhealthy relationship is being able to recognize that you’re in one. And if you are, chances are it’s not going to look like the stereotypical representation you may have seen in made for TV movies. But that doesn’t mean that what you’re experiencing is not abuse. Bottom line: when a mentally stable person loves you, they should want to make you feel good, and protect you from harm. If you are with someone who tries to hurt you—either physically or emotionally—you are not in a good relationship.

Amber Madison has been writing about sex, love, and relationships since college (she went to Tufts University) when she wrote for her school newspaper's sex ed column. Since graduating, she's published two books: Hooking Up: A Girl's All-Out Guide to Sex and Sexuality and Talking Sex With Your Kids and has been quoted in a ton of different media outlets from Seventeen magazine to MTV to NPR. Have a question for Amber? Send us an email!