IT'S TIME TO GET COUPLED UP

Being in a relationship may look like a piece of cake, but most people who are in successful ones will tell you it's anything but. It's often fun and rewarding but even when things seem effortless, you still have to work at them. So how do you do that?

EXPECTATIONS

Even though you might not realize it, you expect certain things from your significant other - whether they should call you every day or only on weekends, whether you'll automatically sit together at lunch or hang out on Friday nights. Research has found that most people are completely unaware of many of these crucial expectations because they're so subtle and automatic...and that can lead to big problems. For example, if your girlfriend doesn't know that you expect her to sit with you during study hall and she sits with a friend instead, you might get angry. To her, that anger seems out-of-the-blue but, to you, it's perfectly logical.

These kinds of assumptions (and the disagreements that can follow) can happen when couples aren't sharing their expectations with each other. While it would surely be a cool party trick, you have to remember that your partner isn't a mind reader and, if you want them to know what you're thinking or expecting of them, you have to communicate. Not talking to your significant other or explaining what you need in a relationship is the first step toward relationship-implosion, so don't let it go that far. Be clear and reasonable about what you expect in a partner and know that, if that person doesn't want to or can't live up to your expectations, or if you two can't reach a compromise, then it's possibly time to move on.

Expectations are a natural part of any relationship, but the healthiest relationships are built on reasonable expectations and compromise. Prince Charming and Sleeping Beauty exist only in fairy tales, so don't put the fictional characteristics of the perfect mate onto your very real - and very wonderfully imperfect - mate.

ASK YOURSELF

  • Are your needs or desires just as important as your partner’s? Do you share decision-making and planning or is one person always in charge? Do you easily feel controlled?
  • Do you feel loved and cared for? Does the love of your partner seem genuine or does it seem conditional?
  • Does your partner value your activities, contributions, and accomplishments? Do you feel respected?
  • Does your relationship feel secure? Is there something you are doing now that might threaten the relationship in the future?
  • Do you feel challenged or judged in who you see yourself to be? Does your partner assume things about what you are thinking or feeling?
  • Finally, have you explored (and do you continue to explore) the following fix areas of a relationship:
    • Knowledge includes knowing about your partner's family background, conscience, morals, values, relationship skills, and past relationship patterns. Often it's something that you are continuously exploring with your partner.
    • Trust involves forgetting the idea that every guy you meet should be Prince Charming or that every girl is Ms. Right. No person is perfect and it's unfair to expect your partner to be that way; trusting means accepting them for their faults and their good qualities and knowing that they do the same for you.
    • Reliance entails understanding the other person's coping skills, work ethic, confidence level, and emotional stability. In other words, as knowledge and trust go up, one tends to rely more on the other person.
    • Commitment in a relationship produces a willingness to make changes or sacrifice to meet each other’s needs and often follows when trust, knowledge, and reliance levels are high.
    • Sex doesn't have to be part of your relationship. While sexual feelings and behaviors are a realistic component of interpersonal relationships, how those feelings are managed and whether you decide that sex should be a part of your relationship makes a difference. Your partner should understand your feelings about sex and you must make an effort to understand their feelings as well.

FIGHTING

It happens to the best of us...at some time or another, you will lose your temper. He'll do something unforgivably stupid (forget your birthday?) or she'll do something incredibly selfish (talk your ear off throughout the entire movie?) and you'll blow up.

Every couple - from those lovebirds in the first blush to the grammas and grandpas celebrating their golden anniversaries - fights. The difference between couples in healthy relationships and those who aren't is the way they fight.

BOTTOM LINE


People are often unaware of the expectations they bring into relationships. In addition, a person’s expectations may be unreasonable, or even if they are reasonable, they may be unspoken. It's important to recognize your expectations of your partner and your partner's expectations of you, and the way to do that is through communication. Finally, if you can't reach a compromise that is satisfactory to both parties, consider whether the relationship is healthy enough to continue.