HOW TO SAY NO

You’ve decided that you’re not ready to have sex yet – you want to wait for marriage/ a stronger commitment from your partner / until it feels right. But now your partner is pressuring you to get more physical than you’re comfortable with…how do you explain your views without driving them away?

First of all, have confidence in your choice – you made it, so you must believe it, right? Whatever the reason you’ve decided to wait, it is a valid reason – don’t let someone change your mind. Communicate with your partner – get them to know and understand your point of view before you’re at the point of no return. And be ready to hear any number of crazy lines designed to convince you to change your mind…sex is a big deal and people have thought up countless reasons why you should be having it (preferably with them right now).

Don’t fall for the lines. Check out our ideas to help you deal with these situations and make your point in a calm and effective manner.

QUESTION: Why won’t you have sex with me?
YOUR RESPONSE:

  • I’m not ready for that step yet.
  • I’ve decided to wait until I’m married before losing my virginity.
  • I don’t want to and I don’t owe you more of an explanation than that.

QUESTION: We’ve done it before – what’s the problem now?
YOUR RESPONSE:

  • Just because I’ve had sex before doesn’t mean I can’t decide not to now.
  • I realized that I’m actually not ready…it’s got nothing to do with you or our relationship. Instead, it’s about me wanting to wait until I feel completely ready to commit to something as big a deal as sex.

QUESTION: You told me you’re not a virgin – why would you sleep with someone else but not me?
YOUR RESPONSE:

  • I may not be a virgin but that doesn’t mean I sleep around.
  • Remember, just because I’ve had sex before doesn’t mean I can’t decide not to now.

QUESTION: But I love you – don’t you love me?
YOUR RESPONSE:

  • I do love you…and I would think that if you loved me, you wouldn’t pressure me into a choice I’m not ready to make. ~ I guess I don’t love you because I would never fall for a person who would try to manipulate me like this.
  • What does love mean to you? Because to me, it means not forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do.
  • I’m just not ready – I want this to mean something and feel like we need to take it more slowly.

QUESTION: Won’t you feel like more of a man/ woman if we sleep together?
YOUR RESPONSE:

  • I don’t define myself by whether or not I have sex and it’s a real shame that you obviously do.

QUESTION: Are you afraid?
YOUR RESPONSE:

  • You mean you aren’t? There are hundreds of STDs out there – many of which don’t have a cure, not to mention the chance of getting pregnant…are you ready to become a parent?
  • You mean you aren’t? Sex is a huge step and it really changes the relationship. Of course I’m scared of something that important! The question here is, why aren’t you?

QUESTION: If you don’t sleep with me, I’ll find someone else who will.
YOUR RESPONSE:

  • Let me know who they are – they deserve a warning about what a jerk you are.
  • If it’s just a matter of sleeping with any willing girl/ guy, then I’m not the person for you anyway – I’d never give it up to someone who thought so little of me.

QUESTION: I’d hate to have to cheat on you – I really love you but I have needs. If I can’t have sex with you I’ll have to find some other way to get what I need.
YOUR RESPONSE:

  • If it means that much to you to have sex – despite the fact that I’ve told you I am not ready yet – then just go for it elsewhere.
  • Either respect me enough to wait until I’m ready or move on. We’re obviously not right for each other.

QUESTION: Are you frigid? It’s not normal to not have sex.
YOUR RESPONSE:

  • Know what else isn’t normal? Trying to force someone to have sex.

QUESTION: You’re a tease – you should never have started it if you weren’t going to finish it.
YOUR RESPONSE:

  • Either respect me enough to wait until I’m ready or move on. We’re obviously not right for each other.
  • Kissing you was never an indication that I planned to sleep with you and it’s not my fault if you thought it was.

QUESTION: You’re dressed like you want some action – why are you wearing such tight/ short/ revealing clothes if you don’t want to have sex?
YOUR RESPONSE:

  • My wardrobe and my body are completely different things – if you can’t even figure that out, you are clearly not someone I want to have sex with.
  • So if I were wearing a magician’s hat and carrying a wand you’d think I could make you disappear? Better yet, why don’t I disappear – you’re a loser and not worth my time.

These ideas are just a few of the ways you can make your point without resorting to anger…have you heard one that’s not on our list? Email us with your suggestions.

BOTTOM LINE

It’s so hard to stick to your guns in a situation like this, knowing that someone you care about might leave you if you don’t change your mind. But try to remember that any person who would break up with you because you won’t sleep with them isn’t worth your time in the first place.

This page is for informational purposes only and is not intended to constitute medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.